Well, I was listening to Redi’s show a few months ago and heard her speechless for the first time ever. I am not sure what the topic was when I tuned in, but I caught a young man (let’s call him John) phoning in to say that if he spends his hard earned cash taking a woman out to dinner, he will be expecting her to ‘put out’ later. Afterwards, men were sms’ing and phoning to say that guys like that embarrass them and they certainly did not believe that or buy into that. What do you say to that? So I was thinking to myself, what do you say to a young man like that? How do you get through to him that setting expectations like that, and having woman have to behave like that to get attention, is not really the foundation you want your country to be built on. You can see how prostitution started, I spend money on you and you put out. Going to a prostitute is probably more honest then, because at least John would not be hiding behind the facade that he is actually interested in her and not in what she can do for him. But he probably still thinks he is a nice guy with something to offer and once she is out on a date with him, she will not be able to resist his charms and give it up gladly. Maybe that is where the idea of going Dutch (both parties paying their own way) comes from. From a woman’s’ perspective, I certainly would not want that Damocles sword hanging over my head whilst on a date. If I wanted a one night stand, I would go to a pub or club. But dinner is something more serious, more romantic. Time spent talking and getting to know each other to see if you are compatible and whether you like each other enough to maybe get involved. Obviously John has no interest in getting to know his dates, or to consider whether they would be compatible or genuinely like each other. He is only interested in one thing. Yip, you guessed it . Reason will prevail? But I did think of something you could say to him that maybe would make him think about his behaviour. What if you could get him to think about what type of girl he would like to marry and be the mother to his children? Marriage (a healthy one) involves both parties coming together and creating something better than they are individually. A good marriage means that you have someone at your back, someone to support and push you, someone who is there when you need them. How is John going to find that woman who is going to be loyal and supportive and his anchor if he only dates girls who will ‘put it out’ every time. But maybe this argument will be too sophisticated for John. After all, he wants a good time and he wants to be with girls who want to have a good time too. He is not thinking ahead, he is only thinking about the here and now. He has not grown up yet. If he has any goals, they do not include marriage and children. Unfortunately for John, some girl will fall pregnant and put pressure on him and he will most likely find himself in a situation which is less than desirable when he is older. I certainly don’t see a healthy happy marriage for him in the future. He is where he should be? But I empathise with John, because like him, in my early twenties, I too was trapped in the moment. Not thinking about the consequences of my actions and just going with the flow. Hopeless and helpless with a good dose of fatalism. It was only when I met Stephen that I started to want something more and imagining something better for myself. I suspected that there was more to life and wanted to find it. I turned all my attention to this goal of understanding what was going on, and in the process empowered myself and let go of this fatalistic approach. I grew up and started taking responsibility for myself. At the same time, I am grateful that I had the opportunity to be young and dumb, and I think it is an essential part of growing up. Someone told me once that women need to date absolute shits to get it out of their systems and then settle down with a nice guy. I think there is some real value in that. If you don’t get it out of your system in your early twenties, it will hang around and tempt you. And at 40, you may just find yourself attracted to all the things you should have done whilst you were young (and your body was young and strong and beautiful ). So perhaps there is still some hope for John. He may be right where he needs to be now, with his stupid ideas and instinctive drives. He could still end up with a good girl going through a bad patch and she could help him get his act together. We can hope ‘You can’t be old and wise if you were never young and crazy.’ Until next time Anja
Highly descriptive blog, I loved that bit. Will
there be a part 2?