On the Nature of Love: an unromantic critiqueStephen Farah
What is it exactly that I love about you?Well generally speaking, possibly not always, but often enough to make it true, when I say I love you what I mean is you have a value to me. Your presence in my life enriches me. Now one may say that if I recognise your innate humanity and subjectivity it is precisely this that would enrich me. Yes okay that may well be so, but that is not what I mean, and I would wager that I am far from unique in this regard. What I mean is rather something along these lines: As a friend or student you are part of my fan base. The more fans I have the more popular I am; being popular makes me a ‘big man’ someone respected and of value. In evaluating you as a friend I consider what your value proposition is:
Anyway you get the idea. I consider your value proposition. I objectify you, and, in as much as I do this, I commoditise you. Now from this you may, justly, form the idea that I am not the nicest of people and have a mercenary attitude towards other people. I think that is a fair and fairly accurate assessment. Nevertheless you may be inclined to mitigate your judgement by virtue of the fact that I am a man of my time. Whilst there is lots of fuzzy, huggy and woolly talk about empathy and caring for others, the truth is that the value of the individual is in decline globally. So although I may be a little worse than most and not as bad as some, I’m probably pretty much middle of the road (I don’t know of course, but it seems that way to me). You might be inclined to forgive me to the extent that I am a family man and you would imagine that this objectification of the other does not extend to my immediate family. Well you might think that, but I am actually not so sure. Sure I love my wife and children but honestly who wouldn’t? At the risk of arrogance I would have to say they are an exceptional group of people, intelligent, original and easy on the eye. But you see that right there is the issue – do I love them because of their gifts, or because they are my family, or is there something beyond that? In as much as I love them because they are gifted or even in as much as they are related to me I would have to conclude that I have commoditised them as well. Their presence improves the quality of my life in many varied ways. And this makes them easy to love. The question I have to ask is this. Am I, beyond their value proposition, able to recognise the intrinsic value of their subjectivity? That is to say: am I able to recognise and value that, like me, they too have an inner life, a soul and are people, not simply commodities?
- Are you intelligent?
- Good looking?
- Influential- can you further my cause in any way?
- Are you entertaining, although this is a little further down the scale.
- Just how much do you care for me? This is very important because I am deeply interested in what you are willing to do for me.
Hello how do you do?Last Wednesday evening, in an Anthroposophical study group I participate in, the discussion turned to the convention of following a greeting in South Africa with –how are you? So the South African convention is to say: Hello, how are you? And the standard response is: I am fine thanks and you? Now the question is, is this a sincere enquiry? And naturally one must conclude no it is not, it is simply a greeting convention. Jane (Abrahams), who facilitates the group, made the point that in England the proper greeting is actually: Hello how do you do? And this is meant strictly as a rhetorical question. In both cases one may assume that this form of greeting began with the intention of a sincere enquiry. Not being an anthropologist I can only hazard a guess; but I am inclined to think not. I would say it is, and was, simply meant as a polite greeting, and in no way should it be taken as a genuine question. Slavoj Žižek suggests these conventions are designed for the very reason of keeping the (obscene) other at a safe distance. And in as much as one witnesses their use I think his analysis is correct. Not only is it not a genuine enquiry, but beyond that it is an implicit communication that I do not wish to know how you are. Now perversely in my case when I ask how you are it is with genuine interest in the answer. And I have noticed over the years how frequently this surprises the person I am asking it of; in my defence, I attribute this social clumsiness to an improvised education. The point here is that the other is held (or meant to be held) at arm’s length. It is in fact impolite to make a genuine personal enquiry. This reflects the idea that society encourages us to see and relate to the other as an actor in society. To understand and engage with the other as a role player and in as much as we heed this implicit social instruction we necessarily objectify the one we are relating to.
The Unfortunate case of the beggarI don’t know about you but, for my part, I have to say I hate do-gooders. I don’t want to bore you with my long list of prejudices against them so I’ll limit myself to only the most salient issues. For one, in my own case I barely have enough energy to do good to myself never mind anyone else. My father (may he rest in peace) was always fond of saying charity begins at home, and I have pretty much taken that to heart. Oh and beyond that, I find the do-gooders generally vacuous, insincere and irritating. Still no doubt these are my own prejudices and the world would be a poorer place but for these aspiring Florence Nightingales. Anja, who for the most part is as intolerant as I am, happened to befriend a group of do-gooders, through no fault of her own, but simply out of desperation for some contact with the extended community (honestly one would think my company would more than enough, but there you have it :-)). Anyway in a discussion about how one should behave towards beggars, a national plague in South Africa, the suggestion was made that ‘one should at the very least make eye contact, and thereby acknowledge them and their existence.’ This instead of the usual trick we use of manoeuvring the car back and forward, checking cellphone messages, adjusting the radio etc. all in order naturally not to see and acknowledge their presence and their plight (one may equally here say blight). Now on the face of it this sounds very humane does it not? In a sense an act in service of acknowledging the beggars humanity is the very thing this post is about. However I am less than convinced and I must concede that I have influenced by Žižek in this regard. Does my act of looking at you begging at the side of the road, making eye contact and then still ignoring your plea for alms somehow mitigate the insult (if this is what it is) against your humanity. Does my having the courage to look you in the eye and then drive on, without in any way substantively aiding you, rather than my usual overt display of guilt in so obviously ignoring you, in some sense raise your value in the estimation of my gaze? Well personally I think not.
Existence vs. EssencePossibly this is the fundamental question. Can we decide that at the very least in the case of human beings, as opposed to plants and dogs for instance, their very existence has an intrinsic value? And going further may it also possibly be true to think that the value of their existence, and by extension their subjectivity, in and of itself, eclipses their value as objectified role players in our lives? Or alternatively must we decide in favour of essentialism and identify people with their objective characteristics: gender, age, race, professional and social status etc. Is it a genuinely meaningful proposition to consider the human spirit in each individual we encounter as transcending their personalities in the broadest sense of the word- or not? To be completely honest with you, even though it runs contrary to my intention in this post, I am struck by the naiveté of my own question. For if we genuinely remove all objective and objectifying characteristics form the subject what could possibly remain? Is there something genuinely transcendent left behind worth caring about? Well I’ll leave it to you to decide…
A final thoughtConsider your own relationships with those you care for.
- What is it that you really care about in others?
- Do you objectify those you relate to?
- Do you have a value scale that you move people in your life up or down? And if so what is this based on?
- Perhaps most significantly is there anyone in your life you do not objectify, that you could describe your love for this person in a genuinely transcendent sense? And if so how does this differ from your other relationships?